Chaos & Calm

i miss you, on a sunny day or thunderstorm, the feeling burns bright and strong, i miss you,  where the heart and mind collide, day or night, though it’s wrong or right,  i miss you,  it gets sickened, something inside her burnt, i miss you, she said, i miss you, i miss you, yet you wouldn’t come back home, so she stayed all alone.

at some point in our lives, we may feel like we’re really tired like the world has drained us for everything we had a phase where we feel like we’re lost and empty nothing feels like it makes sense anymore it feels like the world was ending, but the sun kept rising day after day we feel like holding on was wrong, but letting go was also never right at some point in our lives, we may also fall in love with someone we cannot have more about a person who has touched our lives deeply and intimately  but fate just won’t let us be with them in this lifetime at first, we were willing to gamble everything we had in order just to feel utterly happy around them however, once we realize it’s a losing game, we start to understand that the only thing we should do is to let go but the core is not that simple we’re going to face many hurtful sleepless nights moments where gasping for air is poetically painful a realization of the misery we have to endure for a long time because in the end,...

malam ini aku mengenangmu untuk kesekian kalinya, kali ini dengan menyinggahi tempat dimana kita berjanji untuk berhenti di bulan Juni, sendu sekali rasanya saat tahu tempat ini sudah banyak berubah, dari suasana, lukisan, bahkan papan menu di bawah TV itu sudah berganti sudah tidak ada lagi tirai plastik yang menghalangi antara sisi dalam dengan luar ruangan, sudah tidak ada lagi pernak-pernik tempelan di kaca depan,  entah saat denganmu memang terasa lebih hangat atau suhu di tempat ini yang lebih dingin, namun, perubahan itu terlihat jelas dan tentunya mengarah ke yang lebih baik beberapa hal juga masih tetap sama,  masih ada menu Vietnam Drip- mu kala itu, es krim yang kita bagi dua,  bahkan air mineral yang pernah ku pesan alih-alih bersamamu, malam ini aku duduk sendiri di tempat kita kala itu ada dua orang sahabat,  yang satu namanya Eka — hehe aku sempat lihat nametag- nya, entah satunya lagi bernama siapa, tapi obrolan mereka sepertinya cukup ...

keputusannya untuk meninggalkanku adalah sesuatu yang tepat--yang tidak boleh ku tangisi. aku ingat ucapannya sebelum menutup semua jalanku menuju hidupnya " semoga kamu menemukan seseorang yang lebih dariku ", entah seberapa perih saat mendengarnya, tapi kalimat itu adalah pijakku untuk melangkah. meski harus meredam segala riuh, berteman dengan lelah, dan berkompromi dengan asa, jika memang bahagiaku adalah bahagianya, Tuhan, izinkan aku berbahagia — dengan apapun itu,  untuk waktu yang lebih lama.

i don’t write any poetry these days, word is too slack.  i lose hold of it, i am either gripping my fingers too tightly or too loosely. i can either hold everything in my hand or nothing at all, the universe is either gathered or it is terrifyingly dispersed.   today is perhaps the thirtieth straight day of unbearable pain and cloudy skies, at least for me. today, as a remark that i miss you so much to the point that i feel physically sick, sometimes it also feels like an overwhelming failure.   there were days when i prayed for you instead of myself, there were nights when the pain was unbearable, the time was ticking slowly while the memories burned me out. each day i am still begging God to help me get through these heavy feelings behind, because the scars were too deep, and healing was painful. the reality hits me like a huge wave, smashing my dreams and leaving me struggling to breathe. sometimes i wonder why you did it, made me feel loved and cherished, o...

sometimes i wonder, how come the places i love, the things i adore, somehow scare me to an unfamiliar degree? i used to love how the morning rain falls,  i used to be comfortable by the gentle breeze at night, i used to adore how the moonlight shines so bright, how the stars accompany her along the way, i used to enjoy listening to some songs on the bus whilst contemplating life, even i used to love to drink my coffee alone, read books at new places, or even chat with some random old people. somehow, all of the things i love, always remind me of your existence. and that is what scares me the most, to remember you, it hurts. and i'm scared, what if the things i love become the things i avoid? and, what if i long for you for the rest of my life? 10.51 a.m. 28th of September, on Transjakarta heading to Lebak Bulus.

"merelakanmu adalah perjalanan ikhlas terpanjang yang harus ku jalani".

source: pinterest "t hat person is in front of me " " the one i could have had " " but i lost " " i won't look " " i won't think " " to protect the one that chose me " " to honor the choice i made " " i won't hope for anything " " in case i might desire her again, in case, i can't deceive my own heart " - Monolog of Ha Sang-su and  Ahn Su-young  (The Interest of Love)

there's something about this town, about the breeze, about the smell of morning rain, about the way the sun fades from the view that reminds me so much of a thousand almost . you — a form of exceptional chapter, an epitome of comfort,  a beautiful white rose. you, are a wonderful dream, but this time i need to wake up. the story of us was tragically exquisite, it was a beautiful thing to have yet gut-wrenching to let go of. we grasped every corner of this town with fondness, the time we had were incredibly vivid, the laughs we shared were remarkable, my dear love,  the love was almost  there, but we were always be the halfway-there part. my almost-love , i hope the wind could whisper to you that our ending was not a failure, we acknowledged that we weren't broken by breakup,  but we were broken by wanting the love that wasn't right for us. we weren't devastated by loss, we were devastated because we wanted, so badly, for 'us' to be happened. my dear, dear love, ...