Chaos & Calm

image source: Before Sunset (2004) "when i say i miss you, i don’t mean it in some sad miserable way, but it in a way that honors that connection we had. not it some regretful way, or not even in some way that says i wanna see you again, but i just truly miss you. this isn’t coming from a negative place, and you aren’t the only thing in my mind anymore, but there are moments which i steal away and think, wow.. you would have loved to see this. this isn’t a: i wanna be friends again.. or even a: i want you in my life again.. because i know that we both know deep in our hearts that we aren’t meant to be, and that’s okay. and as tragic as our story was, i hope you know that; every memory of us has infinite value to me, and couldn’t be replaced for the world. i will love and cherish every single experience we had, but also honor the memory, by moving forward with acceptance. i know there’s an infinite amount of words that have gone unsaid but i know that no words could say more than t...

  i see you in seas and galaxies, also when the sun hits or the wind breaks, i see you in a pouring rain and lonely moon, even in daylight or gloomy afternoon lately, i see you in the bitterness of my coffee cups, and somewhere between my meddling doubts, the idea of remembering you becomes this undefined, silently turning some parts of me blind someone told me if it meant to be a curse, meanwhile longing for you is something i always thirst - August, 20th

  have you ever told someone to stop loving you because it hurts? we did. we begged the love we desired to disappear, the hug we long for every night to vanish, the heartwarming sound of our laughter to fade, we even begged each other— to sink in and i was never sure if anyone had ever done this, yet it's us— destroying the love we built just to save each other.

image source: pinterest Dalam keadaan paling rapuh, kita kerap kali dipaksa untuk melepaskan hal yang paling kita inginkan.  Seperti hari-hari setelah kepergiannya, ialah bukan dingin pagi yang ku idamkan ataupun hangat malam yang ku rindukan. Meski sudah banyak jeda yang ku berikan untuk mengenangnya, aku begitu khawatir akan menghabiskan sisa hidupku menjadi diriku yang tak utuh.  Meski sudah tahu bahwa setiap penantian tidak selalu sampai di titik temu yang sama, namun aku masih sering kesulitan untuk tahu bagaimana caranya untuk berhenti menanti. Meski pun ini juga bukan pertama kalinya aku dihadapkan dengan kehilangan, namun tetap saja rasanya sangat memilukan. Aku paham rasanya harus hidup di tengah keramaian yang sepi, Menguatkan hati agar terlihat baik-baik saja di depan semesta, Sedang dalam keadaan paling riuh, aku berusaha untuk tidak jatuh. Selepas patah hati kemarin, aku lebih banyak diam karena isi kepala terlalu runyam, Aku sempat kehilangan arah untuk kemana ak...

  all the goodbyes we had did take us into the real one, and just when i thought that i had completely let him go —perhaps,  that was the moment when i was needing him the most. because on my toughest days, i think about him immeasurable, on my silent nights, i miss him a little bit louder. so my dear God, just for tonight, i’m begging on my knees, that i don’t want to miss him like this .

it was the 3rd of March, when it was so cold then and so silent, that night the wind gently blew but something inside of me was tremendously mourning and every part of my being knew, it must be about you. i still remember how painful that night was, how swollen my eyes were, and how tired my heart was.  i still remember how i almost ran out of breath while i was crying, and how i was trying to stop the noise i could make.  i will never forget how difficult it was for me, and the worst feeling of all is when i wake up the next day realizing that what happened was real and not just a nightmare. yet until now, i still had no idea that you could create so much calm and chaos in every part of me. it’s quite difficult for me to define what grieving is, but i grieve for you. most days i do those regular stuffs but at some points, it feels so…lonely, it just hurts. it feels like i wake up but i don’t want to get out of bed, yet sleeping becomes a battleground too. i eat my favorite me...