A battlefield of emotions

it was the 3rd of March, when it was so cold then and so silent,

that night the wind gently blew but something inside of me was tremendously mourning and every part of my being knew, it must be about you.

i still remember how painful that night was, how swollen my eyes were, and how tired my heart was. 

i still remember how i almost ran out of breath while i was crying, and how i was trying to stop the noise i could make. 

i will never forget how difficult it was for me, and the worst feeling of all is when i wake up the next day realizing that what happened was real and not just a nightmare.

yet until now, i still had no idea that you could create so much calm and chaos in every part of me.

it’s quite difficult for me to define what grieving is, but i grieve for you.

most days i do those regular stuffs but at some points, it feels so…lonely, it just hurts.

it feels like i wake up but i don’t want to get out of bed, yet sleeping becomes a battleground too.

i eat my favorite meals but it is just tasteless, it is somehow just not the same.

i write —most about you, but no amount of writing can take this sickening feeling away.

i try to find happiness in small things, but i find guilt instead —cause how can i be happy when you’re gone? 

and the most exhausting part is i have to deal with other people like nothing ever happened to me, 

but the truth is, i’m just a battlefield of emotions.

- March, 2024